13 Things I Had Forgotten About Pregnancy:
1) Don’t Eat Too Much Or You’ll Regret It.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve violated this rule. I get ravenously hungry, so I eat and eat and eat. And then when I’m done…. I’m so full that I feel like I may explode. Then I’m sick for hours because I’m so.dang.full. Then I can’t eat the next meal because I’m still full. I think the key is to eat smaller meals more often so that you don’t get to that point. Convincing myself of that, on the other hand, may be a different story.
2) Smells….. Oh, the smells!
Why is your nose sense heightened a billion times when pregnant? I have no clue! But I know how overwhelming it can be.
During my pregnancy with Max, a certain unnamed person in my household used to eat popcorn every single evening. To this day, I hate the smell of freshly microwaved popcorn! And the other day I went to cook up some venison for dinner – it’s a staple in our household, you see – I gagged and had to throw it all in the trash. Oh, the money I waste on foods that “smell weird” right now. I should be fired from cooking at all. Yep.. Traumatized for life here, y’all!
3) When I’m Hungry….It’s Too Late.
Maybe it’s a blood sugar thing, I don’t know. But I do know that I go from being just a little hungry to “I’m-going-to-eat-your-face-off” hungry in a matter of seconds. When that happens, you will want to be nowhere within 30 feet of me.
4) Gross Things Be Gone.
Hubby was redoing the bathroom floor when I was just a few weeks pregnant. He finished installing it and needed to put the essentials back in…. You know, the toilet and sink. That’s easy, right? WRONG. He couldn’t get the toilet back on its cute little prongs so I had the brilliant idea of helping him. His job was to pick up the toilet and place it on the wiggly prongs while my job was to nature it made it onto the prongs. Well, that meant I had to reach my hands down beside the prongs that had dirt and God knows what sort of filth on them…. And inevitably some got underneath my fingernails in the process. GAG!!! I swear, if you ever want to torture me for information, just get disgusting things under my fingernails, I’ll be like truth-telling putty in your hands.
Other things that I can’t handle include but are not limited to food particles floating around in dish water, cleaning toilets, wet hair detached from the body, my kid eating his boogars, anything that involves water that’s not 100% clean, most raw meat, the list goes on and on and on.
5) I Want That!! No Wait. I Don’t.
That’s precisely me, ordering food at a restaurant. I pick out what I think I want…. But when it gets to the table, I either can’t stand the sight of it or I take one bite and decide it tastes worse than rotten eggs. (At which point I typically push it out of the way and decide I’ll swear off food entirely…. And there may or may not be tears involved when it comes to that point.)
6) Leftovers…. Say Goodbye To Them.
No, not because I will eat every last bit of it. Because I somehow subconsciously decide after I’ve had one meal of it I am not capable of having another meal just the same. I’ll make something with tons of leftovers but then will gag at the mere sight of looking at it in the fridge. *sigh*
7) I’m hot…. No, I’m cold!
I can’t decide. One second I’m absolutely freezing! And the next second I’m sure I will pass out from being so hot. Or I can be in the shower and go from “warm paradise” to two second later “get me out of here before I have a heat stroke”! It’s like my body is too busy building a baby to worry about silly things such as regulating my body temperature and whatnot….
8) Pregnancy Rage!
This seems to be new with my current pregnancy. I can go from zero to crazy in 1.542 seconds flat! Silly things don’t just make me mad, they fill me entirely with rage that I just can’t control! I scream at the top of my lungs and fly off the handle about nothing. Oh, my poor husband (and kids)…. Anyone else experience this? When I asked my favorite obgyn in the world, he gently suggested going to see a counselor….
9) A Little Game I Like To Call “Try Not To Pass Out”
This delightful game is best played in the morning if I wait too long to eat breakfast. Or in the afternoon if I wait too long to eat lunch. Or in the evening if I wait too long to eat dinner.
10)….Followed By Another Little Game I Like To Call “Try Not To Vomit”
The nausea is unstoppable, though I rarely actually barf. But it follows me alllll the levlong day. (You just sang that in your head, didn’t you?) We all know that “morning sickness” is a misnomer for “all frickin day long sickness”. This little game I get to play day in and day out, for months. Be jealous!
11) Hello, Teenage Acne!
That’s right. My face reverts to how it used to look when I was 12. Red. Spotted. Covered with acne. Like a boss! 29 year old self, meet your 12 year old self; now, what would you like to say?
12) You Want Me To Do What?
Listen… It’s a great day for me if I can manage to get out of bed. It’s a REALLY great day if I can manage a shower! To ask me to do much more than that is completely out of my realm of possibility. Baking a baby at just the right temp requires all of the skills my body can give so there’s literally nothing left for me. After 3 months, I’ll begin to feel more like a human and less like a dead battery.
13) Did You Change Your Recipe On Me?
Clearly in 99.743% of the cases, the answer is no. But somehow I feel I’ve been cheated almost everywhere I go! Case in point: the hubs and I went to lunch at my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE Tulsa Pizza joint of probably all time. (Andolini’s Pizza). Oh, how I love their pizza. Their sauce is impeccable. Their pepperoni pizza is TO DIE FOR. I’ve said many time and will say it again, if I were ever on Death Row I would request this delicious insanity to be my last meal. (Thanks in advance, andopizza) However…. This particular time, something was off. The pepperonis tasted weird. The sauce tasted too saucy. I almost gagged on every bite! What happened to my beloved pizza??? The answer is simple…. Pregnancy happened.
This just barely scratches the surface but I figured you were done with my rants for one day. (You’re welcome!)
The plus side: (besides upcoming porn-star boobs) when something is good, it’s realllllly reallllllly super awesomely good. (i.e. Food craving) Oh, and there’s also the little bundle of joy after 9 months….. That first moment of seeing my baby’s face completely wipes away the last 9-10 months of misery. That moment is what I live for. That moment makes this current state of misery worth enduring. Oh, that moment…. Only 7 more months that you have to endure this crazy pregnant lady, ya hear that, oh husband of mine?
What are your special quirks and nuances of pregnancy?